The X Factor Recap: The Good, The Bad, And The Creepy

September 14, 2012 at 7:00 pm Leave a comment

Last night’s season 2 premiere of The X Factor gave us our first look at how the new judges, Demi Lovato and Britney Spears, will fit in with returning judges L.A. Reid and Simon Cowell. Then, we all took some time to mourn the loss of host Steve Jones before we jumped into the auditions. (yeah, just kidding, he was so bad) Tonight’s auditions bring us some good singers, some bad (albeit good looking) singers, and one creepy guy that may or may not be related to Britney Spears.

Johnny Maxwell, 16

“There’s hecka people here, ma,” says Johnny. Ma tells us Johnny was born with a heart, which is always a great way to start out, and that she has known Johnny was destined to be a star since he was just a tot. Simon, who is still chewing dinner, asks Johnny what makes him a $5 million winner. Johnny says he’s ambitious and has what it takes to win. We’ll be the judge of that, whatcha singing? Johnny sings an original, “All These People.”

He’s not bad. I get visions of a sugared Chris Rene dancing in my head. He’s a much better rapper than singer. Good news for Johnny, one does not need to be an exceptional singer to make a record these days, so Johnny gets four yeses.

L.A. Reid gives Johnny props for performing an original. He adds, “You are amazingly accomplished for your age.” Demi says, “You have swag!” Simon agrees that Johnny should do more rapping and less singing. Britney tells him he’s fun to watch… she sees a record in his future.

Patrick Ford, 20

Creeper Where’s Waldo alert! Patrick says, “Meeting Britney Spears is like meeting God.” He goes on to ask random people if they think he looks like her.. he thinks he does. In fact, he wonders if she could be his sister. Then, in the next sentence, he says she can be his nice-a** girlfriend when he wins the $5 million.

For entertainment’s sake, Patrick makes it to The X Factor stage. (It’s really no shock that Britney nearly quit the first day.) Patrick performs butchers “Circus.” Yes, Britney’s ”Circus.” I hope someone makes a YouTube video of Britney’s facial expressions. Simon puts an end to the audition. He jokes, “You sound like you had an argument with Britney Spears, got drunk, and decided to scream the song at her.” Patrick tells Britney he loves her. It’s no, no, nope, and no for Patrick.

L.A. Reid asks Patrick to leave the stage. Patrick begs, “Can I at least bring Britney her flowers?” Simon takes one for the team… and gets the flowers from Patrick. Patrick leaves heartbroken. Incidentally, Patrick auditioned for American Idol with Britney’s “Womanizer” in 2010. He didn’t make it, in case you were wondering.

Jason Brock, 34

Jason knows he’s amazing and fabulous. He’s right, of course. Exhibit A: a mess of feathers sticking out of Jason’s jacket pocket… fabulous. Exhibit B: Jason’s vibrant personality… amazing. Jason also says he’s able to satisfy Britney’s hunger. I have no clue and no evidence to support that one, so let’s move on.

Jason takes the stage. He has personality for days and talks about performances full of flying dancers and glitter explosions. You can hear Simon’s eyes rolling around in his head. Hands down, the judges think this is a joke audition. Jason starts to sing Billy Joel’s “New York State of Mind.” He can really sing! I love when this happens… the judges sit a bit straighter, eyes stop rolling, and mouths fall open.

L.A., Demi, and Britney stand for him. Simon admits, “When you were talking about this ridiculous concept [glitter explosions], I was preparing myself for the worst. You love music and it shows.” L.A. says, “You are completely flawless. Your voice is a song’s best friend.” Jason gets four yeses.

Lexa Berman, 22

Lexa wears black spandex from head to toe (yet, sparingly around the boobs) and gold glitter heels. “I’m here to win and dominate,” says Alexa. “I’m the one to look out for.” Needless to say, she’s terrible. Simon nails it, “You’re Jersey Shore meets Kardashians.” Please, don’t worry too much about Lexa’s future, as she has a back up plan… “My dream comes true [on The X Factor] or I have to go marry rich.”

It’s good to have goals.

Carly Rose Sonenclar, 13

Carly is young, cute as a button, and wants to be a superstar. Carly’s parents seem fairly normal and supportive of Carly’s big dreams.

Backstage, Carly looks like she’s going to pass out. On stage and in front of the judges, she’s all smiles.  The judges ask Carly what she’s going to sing. Carly throws out “Feeling Good” by Nina Simone. Oh boy… Simon’e eyes go wide and L.A. asks Carly if she has rehearsed. Obviously, they think the song is too big for her. Three words in, the audience goes wild. Fourteen words later, L.A. raises his hands and yells, “WHAT?!”  

All four judges give Carly a standing ovation. Britney says, “Wow, Miss Thang, you are a little diva!” Simon says, “A star has just walked out on this stage.” It’s 4,833 yeses for Carly. “Everything I’ve been doing all my life just paid off right there five minutes ago,” says Carly. Isn’t she cute – all 13 years of her life… finally paid off.

Let the Drew Ryniewicz comparisons begin. Personally, I prefer Carly.

Bad Singers, all ages

Tonight’s montage of rotten singers is brought to you in support of sultry smiles and six-pack abs. Demi whines, why are all the hot people bad singers? When one cutie starts to sing Whitney Houston’s “I Have Nothing,” Britney ends it immediately. She says, “You can’t destroy that song, sweetie.”

The X Factor auditions continue next Wednesday on Fox. Will you be there? Has anyone caught your attention yet?

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Photo credit: FOX


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